Dear
Aliens,
This
message comes to you from a rather inconsequential end of the galaxy, a planet
we call Earth (another word for ‘dirt’). But to be perfectly honest, ‘Scorched
Earth’ is probably a better description.
So just in
case you’d like to come and visit, we feel it’s only right to warn you that it
would be a complete waste of your time and effort.
Firstly, we
have very little in the way of natural resources: water, metal, that sort of
thing. And what metal we did have we turned into satellites – which then got
destroyed in one of our rather frequent wars. The result being that our planet
is now surrounded with a thick layer of high-velocity orbiting shrapnel which
makes it extremely hazardous to approach us too closely – our apologies.
We also
sadly have very scarce cultural resources, except for reality shows like The
Walking Dead, which you may have seen. Although, to be strictly accurate, many
of the zombies perished at the same time as our atmosphere became severely
contaminated with nuclear radiation due to one of the frequent outbreaks of
hostilities we mentioned earlier.
And as for
meeting our leaders, we can’t tell you just how disappointing that would be.
So while we’d
love to have you over, we would really advise against it.
But if it’s
not too much trouble there is something you could possibly help us with… we’ve
been trying to develop nuclear fusion energy for rather a long time now and haven’t
made the slightest hint of progress… so if you’re as advanced as we expect you
to be, we’d be most grateful if you could send us a few pointers?
Thanking
you in advance,
Earth
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