Dear Aliens, nothing to see here...

As NASA points a new orbiting probe at individual exoplanets, could we please beam this message towards them at the same time?

Dear Aliens,

This message comes to you from a rather inconsequential end of the galaxy, a planet we call Earth (another word for ‘dirt’). But to be perfectly honest, ‘Scorched Earth’ is probably a better description.

So just in case you’d like to come and visit, we feel it’s only right to warn you that it would be a complete waste of your time and effort.

Firstly, we have very little in the way of natural resources: water, metal, that sort of thing. And what metal we did have we turned into satellites – which then got destroyed in one of our rather frequent wars. The result being that our planet is now surrounded with a thick layer of high-velocity orbiting shrapnel which makes it extremely hazardous to approach us too closely – our apologies.

We also sadly have very scarce cultural resources, except for reality shows like The Walking Dead, which you may have seen. Although, to be strictly accurate, many of the zombies perished at the same time as our atmosphere became severely contaminated with nuclear radiation due to one of the frequent outbreaks of hostilities we mentioned earlier.

And as for meeting our leaders, we can’t tell you just how disappointing that would be.

So while we’d love to have you over, we would really advise against it.

But if it’s not too much trouble there is something you could possibly help us with… we’ve been trying to develop nuclear fusion energy for rather a long time now and haven’t made the slightest hint of progress… so if you’re as advanced as we expect you to be, we’d be most grateful if you could send us a few pointers?

Thanking you in advance,

Earth

Notice of Termination: Universe Simulation #217

Post originally appeared at: https://medium.com/@alistair.mckechnie/notice-of-termination-universe-simulation-217-48af3b7f8c97

To whom it may concern:

Look, really sorry about this, but we’ve had to take the decision to run down your universe simulation over the course of your year 2018.

It’s certainly not a decision we took lightly, but you have to remember that yours is not the only simulation currently running and its projected outcomes are, to put it frankly, looking rather disappointing.

After some early promise with your Egyptians, your failure to innovate workable economic, political or even train systems has reduced your projected project value below what we can support. There has also been concern on our side that some of your code could even migrate to other, less troubling, simulations.

You will appreciate that it takes considerable resource to keep your simulation running and due to the unfortunate cutbacks on our side, it has become more and more difficult to justify continued investment in such a low potential return.

Had your simulation met any of our project goals, we can assure you that things would be different.

We will, of course, archive your simulation in compressed form and if the situation changes, we could revive it at any time, although we must make it clear that the chances are fairly slender.

We also hope you’ll understand why we’ve waived your consultation and objection opportunities on this occasion — we simply do not have the resources to provide an adequate service to what could be billions of objectors.

Once again, we apologise for the inconvenience. Thank you for your patience.

Yours most sincerely,

Rrghl Ghrhh Ppp
Simulation Adminstrator 4th Grade (Project 217)

On a more cheerful note, my colleagues would like to thank you for Super Bowl LI. Although personally I’d go for that Manchester United v Bayern Munich sizzler.

Is this as good as it gets?

“1984. APPLE MACINTOSH. ‘1984.’”

“Huh? Wha?”

The giant eye impaled me with its glare, gouting flame as it levitated in the middle of my bedroom. Its voice was a jet engine screech.

“1989. BRITISH AIRWAYS. ‘FACE.’”

I rammed my fingers deeper into my hungover ears.

“Uhhhh..?”

“1999. GUINNESS. ‘SURFER.’”

“Uhh… I get it, great TV ads. 1984, Face, Surfer. Incredible, all of them. Yes, yes. All a long time ago. What comes next?”

The eye twitched and spat flames across the room.

“NEXT? NOTHING! NOTHING CAME NEXT!”

“Nothing? That’s crazy! What about…” I racked my brains. “What about Sony’s bouncing balls? What about… Honda’s… Grrr!”

“DO I DETECT HOSTILITY?”

I cowered from the increased heat. My blankets started to smoulder.

“No! No! The Honda ad! It was called ‘Grrr!’ With Garrison Keillor! It was great!”

“GREAT. GREAT. BUT NOT SUBLIME! WHAT HAPPENED? WHY HAS YOUR KIND FAILED? FROM 1999 TO 2018! NINETEEN YEARS! AND NO NEW SURFER, FACE, OR 1984! NINE… TEEN… YEARS!”

I ran a hand over my face. My eyebrows were ash. I racked my brains.

“Ahh… ahh… Volvo trucks? Cadbury’s Gorilla! Yes! Cadbury’s Gorilla!”

The eye narrowed its lacerating glare.

“DO NOT… ATTEMPT TO PLACATE ME WITH GREAT. WHERE IS THE SUBLIME? THE TRANSCENDENT? THE IMMORTAL!”

“I can explain!” I whimpered.

“WELL, DO!” the eye roared.

“OK, you’ve got to bear with me. There’re procurement, you know, it’s all about the spreadsheet and risk management, you can’t tell those guys about horses jumping about in the surf.

“So creatives – they’re terrified of being chucked out at any moment – they’re too scared to present their craziest ideas.”

“EXCUSES! WHAT ABOUT ALL THE ADVERTISING COURSES! WHAT ABOUT THE GUNN REPORT RESEARCH LINKING CREATIVITY TO EFFECTIVITY!”

“Yes, yes! But there’s also social media – siphoning off so much talent! And they have to produce a new content idea every day!”

The flames subsided slightly.

“And… and clients… Chiat Day had Steve Jobs to sell to – answerable to nobody. But if Steve Jobs were still alive he’d just tweet his thoughts to a billion people for free – like Elon Musk! TV spots aren’t so essential today so they don’t get the investment they used to!”

A new eruption of flames. The ceiling caught fire.

“RUBBISH! WHAT ABOUT THAT NEW RESEARCH!”

“What – what research?” The blankets caught alight with a quiet whoomph. “Oh, you mean that research done for the radio people that shows TV is still – ”

“THE MOST EFFECTIVE MEDIUM OF THEM ALL! THAT RESEARCH!”

“Yes, yes, of course. But you’ve got to remember 360fication. You can’t just do a one-off ad anymore. You have to do something that works in email and activation as well! And when budgets are sliced and diced, you can't avoid compromise!

“And… and finally, the three concepts rule! No agency can come up with three ‘immortal’ concepts for each presentation – and then it’s so easy for a committee to choose the less edgy one! You don’t understand the pressure marketing departments are under!”

The eye’s pupil seemed to be expanding. I was winning.

“And – and yes, while there hasn’t been a Guinness Surfer for nineteen years, big brands are doing more consistent work! Not incredible, no, but excellent! Look at Christmas, look at Superbowl! And – and – B2B and healthcare are unrecogniseable from -”

The flames withdrew, then exploded into a napalm inferno. My skin blistered and blackened. I cringed in agony.

“SUPERBOWL! I’LL SHOW YOU SUPERBOWL!”

I peered between my fingers. In the eye’s black pupil, through the reflection of my blazing bedroom, I saw a young woman prancing past a trendy outdoor café, a shiny can in one hand. “Yurt it up!” she chirped.

There was nothing I could say. Steel claws descended from the blazing ceiling and began to tear me apart, limb from limb.

“YURT THIS UP!” howled my tormentor, as my eyeballs finally exploded.