“Huh? Wha?”
The giant eye impaled me with its glare, gouting flame as it levitated in the middle of my bedroom. Its voice was a jet engine screech.
“1989. BRITISH AIRWAYS. ‘FACE.’”
I rammed my fingers deeper into my hungover ears.
“Uhhhh..?”
“1999. GUINNESS. ‘SURFER.’”
“Uhh… I get it, great TV ads. 1984, Face, Surfer. Incredible, all of them. Yes, yes. All a long time ago. What comes next?”
The eye twitched and spat flames across the room.
“NEXT? NOTHING! NOTHING CAME NEXT!”
“Nothing? That’s crazy! What about…” I racked my brains. “What about Sony’s bouncing balls? What about… Honda’s… Grrr!”
“DO I DETECT HOSTILITY?”
I cowered from the increased heat. My blankets started to smoulder.
“No! No! The Honda ad! It was called ‘Grrr!’ With Garrison Keillor! It was great!”
“GREAT. GREAT. BUT NOT SUBLIME! WHAT HAPPENED? WHY HAS YOUR KIND FAILED? FROM 1999 TO 2018! NINETEEN YEARS! AND NO NEW SURFER, FACE, OR 1984! NINE… TEEN… YEARS!”
I ran a hand over my face. My eyebrows were ash. I racked my brains.
“Ahh… ahh… Volvo trucks? Cadbury’s Gorilla! Yes! Cadbury’s Gorilla!”
The eye narrowed its lacerating glare.
“DO NOT… ATTEMPT TO PLACATE ME WITH GREAT. WHERE IS THE SUBLIME? THE TRANSCENDENT? THE IMMORTAL!”
“I can explain!” I whimpered.
“WELL, DO!” the eye roared.
“OK, you’ve got to bear with me. There’re procurement, you know, it’s all about the spreadsheet and risk management, you can’t tell those guys about horses jumping about in the surf.
“So creatives – they’re terrified of being chucked out at any moment – they’re too scared to present their craziest ideas.”
“EXCUSES! WHAT ABOUT ALL THE ADVERTISING COURSES! WHAT ABOUT THE GUNN REPORT RESEARCH LINKING CREATIVITY TO EFFECTIVITY!”
“Yes, yes! But there’s also social media – siphoning off so much talent! And they have to produce a new content idea every day!”
The flames subsided slightly.
“And… and clients… Chiat Day had Steve Jobs to sell to – answerable to nobody. But if Steve Jobs were still alive he’d just tweet his thoughts to a billion people for free – like Elon Musk! TV spots aren’t so essential today so they don’t get the investment they used to!”
A new eruption of flames. The ceiling caught fire.
“RUBBISH! WHAT ABOUT THAT NEW RESEARCH!”
“What – what research?” The blankets caught alight with a quiet whoomph. “Oh, you mean that research done for the radio people that shows TV is still – ”
“THE MOST EFFECTIVE MEDIUM OF THEM ALL! THAT RESEARCH!”
“Yes, yes, of course. But you’ve got to remember 360fication. You can’t just do a one-off ad anymore. You have to do something that works in email and activation as well! And when budgets are sliced and diced, you can't avoid compromise!
“And… and finally, the three concepts rule! No agency can come up with three ‘immortal’ concepts for each presentation – and then it’s so easy for a committee to choose the less edgy one! You don’t understand the pressure marketing departments are under!”
The eye’s pupil seemed to be expanding. I was winning.
“And – and yes, while there hasn’t been a Guinness Surfer for nineteen years, big brands are doing more consistent work! Not incredible, no, but excellent! Look at Christmas, look at Superbowl! And – and – B2B and healthcare are unrecogniseable from -”
The flames withdrew, then exploded into a napalm inferno. My skin blistered and blackened. I cringed in agony.
“SUPERBOWL! I’LL SHOW YOU SUPERBOWL!”
I peered between my fingers. In the eye’s black pupil, through the reflection of my blazing bedroom, I saw a young woman prancing past a trendy outdoor café, a shiny can in one hand. “Yurt it up!” she chirped.
There was nothing I could say. Steel claws descended from the blazing ceiling and began to tear me apart, limb from limb.
“YURT THIS UP!” howled my tormentor, as my eyeballs finally exploded.
No comments:
Post a Comment